Tittiling Temptations, Truly!

Mmm... Bittersweet is the tone of the day. I enjoy new friends.. enjoy special moments creating memories and changing the dark into ... well, less dark. I truly love this city, it's just so alive. There are so many different groups and sections and sterotypes broken in every corner you turn. I love it. My faith is renewing, and my spirits are dusting themselves off. It's been a long cold hard winter and I'm ready to blossom. My skin is once again becoming comfortable, feeling a bit more like my own... as if there could be a seperation. But there is, and that is something you either understand or you don't and there is no explaining it. I had thrown my many faces to the ground and become faceless, not knowing who I am. What I want you to see. Who you want me to be. All this is a bunch of jumbled bullshit just saying thank fucking god it's spring! Hibernation has been a bitch! My best friend is getting married, I've met cool people, I'm spreading my wings, and it's a good time to be alive. Definately things to look forward to and it's a sweet change.

Now THATS cornbread!

I miss country livin. I miss having to drive at least thrity minutes to get anywhere... that forces you to have alone time every day. Here, in the city, everything is so fast. You are always within a few feet of someone else. I feel claustrophobic sometimes. I really enjoy all the people watching and the endless amounts of things to just do around the city, but there was a peace in my heart when I lived in the country. A stillness that I could retreat to when things became hectic in my head. I feel like we get so absorbed in the world around us that we forget to stop and check in with ourselves. How am I feeling today? What is going on in this mind/body of mine? I've decided to take a step back and breathe... no more boys, no more filling every second of my time and NO MORE living outside of myself. I am going to practice reaching within for the answers I seek... for the love I so intensly desire. Blah blah bullshit...lol. Seriously, I'm going to give it a shot. I am tired of being disappointed by other people... I trust too heavily that people will treat other people how they want to be treated. It's that country livin thing. I was taught compassion and honesty. Sigh... I need a breather!

People watching and sangrias

It amazes me how people go about their lives oblivious to other people around them. Don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful for that - I do NOT want to be seen as a nosey weirdo. I just like watching. I love to watch people and guess what the story is. What do I have in common with that guy? Does that lady go home to an empty house? Why does he look so mad? What an odd thing they just did! I love little glimpses into psychis .... I wonder if our brains work the same. Do they have the same quandries that I do? Are they at all interested in who I am? I wish I could just pick a person at random each day and listen to their story. I've wanted to do a documentary on something sort of like that. I've wanted to do a documentary on so many things lol. I love people. I love how different and eclectic we all are. Today, I will enjoy a sangria and soak up the bustling room that is my favorite mexican restaurant. Cheers!

contradictions

I climbed to the top of the world today... only to trip on my shadow
I rode a gallant horse to save you ... only to trample you on my way
I thought I had myself all figured out... only to not recognize my own reflection
I am a contradiction... my own worse enemy - my biggest fan


so... just when I think i'm ok- I find myself spiraling out of control. I like how unavailable guys really attract me lol.. it's like some sort of challenge. Or that is how I see it blindly - the truth is I will get my heart broken and I know it. So why do it? Because I feel unavailable people need loving, too... and I'm just the one to do it. I am used to broken hearts, it's just another day for me. I guess I feel that one day... there will be that one person... that doesn't tear me up. One day someone is going to catch me off guard and love me back. Love me back hard. And on that day... we will make history. lol... what a sappy sappy girl I am. I swear I think about other things than boys... I am a bit deeper than that. I just happen to be boy crazy right now ... sigh. I have a crush like it ain't nobody's business and it's fun and terrible and exhilirating and humiliating and delicious and rancid all at the same time. What a weirdo!

Yesteryears

I found this when I was going through some old writings... I still like it...

You will take me, break me , wallow in all that is me, but you will not love me.. no, not a girl like me. Climb me, penetrate and bind me , but you will never show me.. no, not a girl like me. Im your dirty secret, can you forever keep it? Dont forget to wash your sheets. Dirty salty pillows, boy you're the one that knows... the way I feel inside. A great lover, friend and other but never yours forever.. No, not a girl like me. Blame me, fuck and shame me, though never truly know me... No, not a girl like me. My empty tomorrows aint your only sorrows, but your hand marks still sting my ass. Your skin under my nails , my only way to tell... you were even here at all.
© 2003 - January

The game

My first "blog" - oh the pressure!!

So dating... it's a game. I have forgotten that you aren't allowed to just "put it all out there". You have to be coy.. pretend you don't care - fein an "I dont give a shit about you" attitude.... then watch them come a runnin'. What sense does this make? It goes against everything that I am. I will love you... I will love you deep and I will love you hard. You will break my heart by not realizing how special this is ... but nontheless I will love you.. and I will give you my all. There is no place for me or people like me in this game. We get trampled, we question our giving hearts and we learn to hate how open our arms are. I say to you... not me. I will play your game so quietly and pretend I care nothing for you... until you are caught - and then I will love all over you. So in the end... who wins this game?